Posts Tagged: Fred Phelps death

Mar 14

Fred Phelps In the Afterlife

“Westboro church founder Fred Phelps dies” – CNN

“Hello, Fred Phelps, welcome to the afterlife, I’ll be your directing angel.”
“You?! You’re an angel? You’re wearing a leather cap and some kind of leather underwear! That’s no angel! Where’s St Peter? You ain’t St Peter!”
“St Peter doesn’t actually decide who goes into Heaven and Hell, Fred, that’s a myth. My name’s Bruce. I decide where people go, in this plane. I get to do it for awhile–it’s my new job. Of course on the Buddhist afterlife planes, people get redistributed according to reincarnation, or bardo learning needs, and in the Muslim–”
“Muslim! Buddhist! They’re all in Hell burning with the fags!”
“Well, no, Phelps, not particularly–some are, though they’re not there for all eternity. Hell is ultimately just a state of mind. Anyway, Phelps, I’m assigned to decide which circle of Hell to send you to–later your state of mind might make it possible for you to rise out of it but for now, I think the sixth circle of Standard Christian Hell. You didn’t actually commit murder so the sixth should do–oh, *hi* Freddie! You look so hot in that white suit!”
“Who’s that? Another fag?!”
“Oh this is Freddie, Mr. Phelps–Freddie Mercury, in fact. I can’t help it, I’m proud to be dating Freddie Mercury himself! He’s in charge of the choir on our plane. He’s actually a Zoroastrian but he came over to our plane to live with me.”
“Bruce–I have to go to the Standard Christian Throne and see if Jesus has time to hear the choir before the AIDs victim reunion, just wanted to tell you I’ll be over there. Can I have a kissy-kiss kiss?”
“What the–you fags are going to *kiss* right in front of me?!”
“Mmm, I love that mustache, Freddie, never cut it off. See you later. Oh sorry, Phelps.”
“God hates fags! He does! He hates queers and lesbos and all that! I figure you’re some kind of test, to see for sure if I hate ‘em too! Well I do!”
“God hates….? She doesn’t hate gay people, Phelps! She’s a lesbian on many planes. On other planes she–”
“You are tryin’ to tell me God is a woman…a damn lesbian?!”
“Well gender is not exactly as defined with respect to a higher being, here, as on Earth–and even there, of course–”
“This is a test! I’ll kill you! I’ll strangle you, fag!”…..
… “Oh dear…you did strangle me! Of course you can’t kill me really, Phelps but…that does seem to be murder, or at least attempted murder. You’re going to a lower level of Hell I think…I’ll put you in the upper part of Dante’s seventh. But remember–hell is just a state of mind. There’s a demon down there who’ll take care of you…he’s so in the closet, poor thing, but he’s coming out now, and since it’s Hell I can’t really guarantee…however if you are nice to him we’ll take that into account. It’s out of my hands now! Off you go. I’m redecorating my place in the Many Mansions today and this is the end of my shift. See you in ten or twenty thousand years, Phelps.”
* * *
The End for 10 or 20 Millenia or so