DEAR SATAN: A REPORT TO THE DEVIL ON HIS ORGANIZED RELIGION PROGRAM…AND WHY JESUS IS TEACHING EIGHT LEGGED TURTLES ON THE PLANET ZEBA

[by john Shirley]
The following letter was intercepted through a new breakthrough in metaphysical communications technology:

DEAR SATAN,
I have taken over from Azazel as Primary Demon in charge of the destruction of humans on the planet Earth. Azazel seems to be going through a sexual identity crisis and has possessed the body of a preacher named Ted Haggard. He’s been having a great deal of fun, rather too much, and is unavailable to direct the horrors of the world, so I have stepped in as per Standing Order 767686896.

As the Organized Religion Program was something you thought of, about 1,800 terrestrial years ago, and as “your baby“ is our most successful program, apart from Halliburton, I thought you might like an update. I realize that your chief preoccupation is torturing souls, and you might not have time to monitor the upper world.

I’m sure, however, you kept up on Azazel’s successful ORP operations, the Crusades and the Inquisition and the burning of the Cathars, pogroms against Jews, Muslim Jihads, Hindu/Muslim conflicts, Sikh/Muslim conflicts, and the other religious wars we implemented, so there’s little need to go into that. You would surely be aware that millions of people died horribly in those successful religious activities, and you would have seen our reports on the multitude of natives who were suborned, enslaved, killed, and made wretched by organized religion, in Australia, Africa, China and the Americas.

My update –statistics attached in code 46474–involves mass misery spread by the Christian churches and by organized Islam in recent times. As for the Muslims, we’ve got them tormenting their women with cocoonlike clothing, no rights, beatings when they look at someone cross eyed, the threats of stoning (yes sir, stonings! These people are thousands of years behind times…thank Hell!); we’ve got them brainwashing their children into hating Jews and Americans, and just 6 terrestrial years ago we had them kill thousands of Americans in an attack on something called The World Trade Center. We’re encouraging them to murder and torture one another in Iraq, and to make plans to kill millions of non-Muslims in their “Jihad“.

We’ve had institutionalized child abuse hidden in the Catholic Church for a couple of centuries, which had long term consequences useful to our cause. Admittedly, the pattern of sexual abuse has recently been exposed, but we did manage to condition the Church hierarchy to suppress the information and protect the molesters for a long, long time. Lately we’ve wormed child-abusers into other religions, including the Jehovah’s Witnesses. More importantly, we’ve been encouraging Protestant Fundamentalist Christians to think “Armageddon, Armageddon, rapture, Armageddon“ and we have been nudging them into the centers of power, such as the White House and the Pentagon. We hope to have a world war inspired by the gibberish we planted in the Bible, the “Book of Revelation“, very soon. That of course, will create billions of deaths, vast despair, and untold psychological consequences that will push any survivors into our clutches. It should be a real feast.
Here’s a particularly juicy use of religion: In the 19th and 20th centuries we encouraged “Christians“ to force young Native Americans into special schools where they were traumatically separated from families and then systematically brainwashed and abused. Here’s a quote from a recent report by a troublesome organization called “Amnesty International“:

“The report says church officials killed children by beating, poisoning, electric shock, starvation, prolonged exposure to sub-zero cold while naked, and medical experimentation, including the removal of organs and radiation exposure. In 1928 Alberta passed legislation allowing school officials to forcibly sterilize Native girls; British Columbia followed suit in 1933. There is no accurate toll of forced sterilizations because hospital staff destroyed records in 1995 after police launched an investigation. But according to the testimony of a nurse in Alberta, doctors sterilized entire groups of Native children when they reached puberty. The report also says that Canadian clergy, police, and business and government officials “rented out” children from residential schools to pedophile rings.

Don’t worry, Great Satan, we’ll think of some way to get rid of Amnesty International. By the way we recently intercepted a communique from the Other Side. Their greatest teachers, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammed, Lao Tzu and the others, have all decided that the Earth is hopeless and are apparently incarnating on the planet Zebar where they are trying to teach creatures which look like eight legged turtles. Jesus is said to be especially disgusted with the “atrocities“ carried out in his name on Earth and refuses to go back, even for a look.

Delightful, is it not?

Yours with the greatest respect,
Glench

ps: My best to my great uncle Screwtape

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