THE MESSAGE (I wish we were getting) FROM INTER-GALACTIC ALIENS

“…please understand that we really did not have to make this speech to your United Nations today. But we are certainly not without compassion. It’s only fair that you know why we have come to your planet, and, more urgently, why we have caused all your industry to stop, worldwide, today, your weapons to freeze up, and what our plans for you are. The crux of the matter is this: in the known universe there are surprisingly few planets where life can evolve to a *significant* degree, and where an extensive, multi-leveled biosphere is possible. When we find such a world, it must be protected and cultivated. On locating a world which is being hopelessly polluted, the oceans utterly ruined, animal species extinguished at a rate which is not normal–barring of course, a major asteroid collision event–we feel an obligation to interfere and return the planet to a healthy state for the use of rational creatures.

“This is why we’re going to be going to be quite painlessly putting about two thirds of the human race into a state of unconscious paralysis. The other third will be neurologically superseded and directed to remove those in a cataleptic state to open areas, where our thinking-capable-devices…I apologize if this translation is inadequate, our schedule is quite crowded…our “robots” will remove them to the waiting orbit-shunts. Once that is accomplished, neurologically-directed humanity will be …oh, I’m sorry, those of you who are shouting now, are hereby paralyzed…ah, that’s much quieter. As I was saying, neurologically-directed humanity will then take their own places on the orbit-shunts.

“The entirety of humanity will be transferred, through a synthetic wormhole, in eight groups to eight lifeless methane-atmospheric planets where no real harm can be done, and where humanity can be of use in chemical conversion programs. Comfortable pressurized suits will be made available. You will live underground in moderately pleasant quarters, and provided plenty of food and water. Virtual reality chambers will provide psychological relief. Your capacity to reproduce will come to an end, however you may engage in sexual acts in your spare time. You will be monitored by unseen but infinitely powerful nano-clouds. Weapons and violence of any sort will not be permitted.

“I must tell you, it would’ve been so much less taxing on our time and resources to simply exterminate humanity, but due to the fact that our drones report a minority of humans expressing some concern for the damage being done here, we were moved to a more…ironically, I’m told that the word is “humane”…a more humane solution…You have a few hours to come to terms with this…Meanwhile we’ll begin to disassemble your factories and vehicles and we’ll be cleansing your biosphere of major pollutants…apart from those which seep out, at a reasonable rate, from volcanic substructures. Also we…I do apologize, I am quite out of time…Our schedule is truly pressing…Enjoy your new lives…”

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