Stuff that social-conservative Christians apparently believe is in the Bible

“Ye shall not enter into a legal contract relating to the act of marrying a person of thine own gender, for to do that does annoy the Lord, and He fumes upon ye.” – Imaginarians 5: 33

“Do not stray from interpreting Holy Writ literally, even as ye perceive contradictions, and are commanded to kill with stones those who labor upon the Sabbath,and even as ye are condemned for eating shellfish, verily shall you shut up and just read it literally, or the Darkness will consume thee.” Imaginarians 888:442

“Neither shall ye ask for birth control from Planned Parenthood, for the use of pills to evade the slavery of parenthood displeases the Lord, who prefers you to stay busy watching thy offspring, even should thou despiseth the father; even shall ye be condemned for the use of condoms, see thou above.” Imaginarians 7999:834

“Whosoever says, we should follow the ways of Christ and not impose hardship on the poor, nor should we raise up the wealthy, shall be cast out, and called bloodsucking Communist, and reviled.” Imaginarians 8,934,772:9894

“For truly, though parable is extant throughout the Word of God, thou must upon pain of Hellfire assume that Genesis happened Just Like That, even unto the apple eating and the snake and the surprisingly few generations since then, and so it is written. Neither shall ye question the necessary volume of Noah’s Ark.” Imaginarians 77:88 and 1/2

“For the lord sayeth evolution is not a thing, nor raise thou the possibility.” Imaginarians 1:22

“For truly the Founding Fathers, of that Blessed Land America, were Christians all, and submitteth they to the Writ of the Bible, unto all eternity.” Imaginarians 7:999299.3

“Verily I say unto you, if you are a dude who dresses like a lady at work, or any place else, except secretly in thy home, the Lord is displeased.” — Imaginarians 1:1

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