My Sickness Diagnosed

These new fangled scientifistic physical men would have me believe that something called “micro-organisms” is the cause of my present illness, the underlying source of this catarrh, this inflammation of the sinuses and chest…What villainous flim-flammery! Are we now to believe in organisms one can’t even see? It stands to reason that no creature could live in such a state of minuteness, there being no room for internal organs. Where pray tell, would nature place the creature’s liver, or its spleen?

Good common medical sense, which I have aplenty–as indicated by the prominent phrenological bump of Cautiousness on the right side of my skull– attributes my catarrhic grippe to the falling damps, and an imbalance of humours. Indeed, an unsteadiness of the Four Temperaments can lead to a surfeit of yellow bile. A good bleeding, an application of chest blistering, thus producing laudable pus, together with the ingestion of ten drops of laudanum, would see me right I’m sure. I’ll soon be dancing a reel in the commons.

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