You Know It’ll Happen

Self service cashiers, furniture you have to construct yourself–next we’ll have Self Service MORTICIANS.

“Fasten Attachable Gutters in kit to a large table to catch run off. Lay the deceased loved one on the table, face up, unclothed. Put on the gas mask and gloves provided, then use the razor to cut a slit in the abdomen area where indicated in fig. 2. Switch on the viscera vacuum, insert hose into slit at a 45 degree angle.

“Double check to see that extrusion hose is vented into container provided…”


“Lie on the conveyor belt with your feet pointed toward the furnace opening. Important: DO NOT PRESS THE GREEN BUTTON WITHOUT INHALING THE PAINLESS DEATH VAPOR…Press it IMMEDIATELY after you inhale as death follows in ten seconds…”

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