I’m Converting to the Religion of the Aztecs and Moving to Indiana

Indiana has inspired me. The new laws there, on freedom of religion, have opened a door, so I can live out my spiritual dreams. I have decided to convert to ancient pre-Columbian religion– I’m going to be an Aztec. The only reason I didn’t do it before was, it wasn’t legal, due to the important HUMAN SACRIFICE part of the religion. But Indiana offers me a chance to practice my religious freedoms.

It’s such a sunny, cheerful religion, with all kinds of exciting symbols expressed in gorgeous artwork, and if anything was “that old time religion” the Aztec religion was. It goes way back. HUMAN SACRIFICE is an important part of it. In order to practice blood sacrifice legally–see attached picture of Aztecs worshipping–I have decided to move to Indiana. There, my freedom of religion cannot be undermined or forbidden. The anti-religious zealots who want to stop me from killing people on an altar for the pacification of the gods will be prevented from restricting my religion. Laws against murder will be, in my case, blotted out, obstructed, neutralized–long as I commit the murder in accordance with my religion.

I will of course sacrifice numerous people to Tezcatlipoca, the overgod, but I’m especially interested–since the world is overheated and drought is always a problem, with appeasing Huitzilopochtli, god of the sun, and calling upon Tlaloc, god of the rain. I will not neglect Quetzalcoatl, because he’s, well, awesome. I’m a little nervous about worshipping Ometeotl, in Indiana, however, as that is a hermaphroditic god, apparently transgender and possibly gay.

These gods –or Teotl as we neo-Aztecs call them–require blood sacrifices, and since gays aren’t freely permitted in Indiana, perhaps those who don’t want to leave the state and start over would like to volunteer to be sacrificed on the stone altar, under with a fairly sharp flint knife, in order to celebrate religious freedom.

But why stop there? Indiana is a big place–there’s room for those enthusiasts of the ancient Carthaginian worship of Cronus, in the course of which children were sacrificed, rolled alive into pits of flame. Or why not human sacrifice to Baal, as in the Bible’s land of Canaan? Or how about the druids of ancient Britain? Recent studies show they too engaged in human sacrifice. Why not a revival of Druidism in Indiana? It is only one state yet it is truly the land of the free.

Tags: , , ,

Comments are closed.