Stoner Steve, Stoner Stan, Moses, Noah, and Jesus, Bruh

Duuuude!” cried Stoner Steve. “You just watch this gnarly Noah movie with me. I just watched it. It’s trippy as shit.”

“Whoaaa,” said Stoner Stan, sitting beside Steve on his ash-dusted sofa, “No way! My old man was into that Bible shit. I said, ‘Those Muslims and those Hindus, they got holy books, what’s wrong with those. He kicked me out for a week. That shit was cold, man!”

“Bruh, okay, here’s the thing, just because it’s bullshitty myth faked up shit doesn’t mean there’s not, like, seeds and stems of truth. Like, Noah–maybe there was a guy who was watching the weather, and he had some almanac shit going on, and he got real high and had a hallucination talk with his own brain and thought God was telling him to build a boat so he built a pretty big boat and put all his farm animals, like his goats and sheeps and turkeys and shit on it, and maybe a couple burros, and some of his peeps too, and the flood came and drowned a buncha people in the villages around there–you know, like it was some local shit but to those fuckers, that was the world–and he didn’t get his peeps and his farm animals drowned because of his boat and it got dumped on that one mountain down kinda low and the rest was a lot of made-up shit. Like when Lanny takes shrooms and says space aliens pick her up.”

“I guess, bruh but–”

“And that Moses dude, it’s like, he was this Hebrew guy stuck in Egypt with some of his people and asked the Pharoah, Yo man let us go back to, like, Israel and the guy said fuck off. So then Moses prayed and it they had different food to eat than the Egyptians and they Egyptians got food poisoning but the Hebrews didn’t and maybe some kinda grasshopper infestation came in, and it was some coincidence shit. And the Pharoah said whatevas, leave then, so Moses took his peeps outta Egypt but then the Pharoah said no fuck this and sent his soldiers but there was some tidal shit going on because the moon was close so it blocked off the soldiers from following and it seemed like a miracle. And it was all just the roll of the dice stuff. But it got made into a big fucking story. Oh and then Moses and his peeps got lost in the desert a couple years and they ate that gooey stuff from that Tamarisk tree they called manna and then Moses got sick of wandering and saw a nice village and he like hallucinated the lord told him go in there and kill them all and take their shit and he did, he killed almost all the people and enslaved the other ones–”

“He did that? Fucked up!”

“Oh yeah, Moses had his peeps murder a lot of other people’s peeps. It’s in the book of Numbers.”

“Speaking of that–you want to smoke another number?”

“In a second. So anyway, there’s Jesus, he was real but he was just this pretty good guy, though he could be a dick too, and he was kinda crazy-ass figuring that he was the messiah and he was really smart and he got crucified but all that other shit about him was made up. But here’s the thing–Noah, that was like a message, don’t do bad shit or bad shit will happen and good people’ll be cool but what goes around comes around for the bad people. And Moses it was like, have faith, yo, and don’t give up and wait for your chance and the ten commandments, that shows people got to have rules.”

“But you said Moses was a murdering dickhead.”

“Nobody perfect, dude. And the Jesus thing is, like, turn the cheek and do unto others as you’d have em do and shit. So they make up the myths out of a little bit of stuff that maybe happened so they can try to tell people to stop like being dicks and shit.”

“Steve how come you know all this shit?”

“Oh I got an Masters in comparative religion, man. Hadda do something in school. Hey–Lanny left some shrooms!”

“Let’s do ‘em!”

One hour later. “Steve–what you staring at out the window? You’re talking to something out there! You’re trippin balls!”

“Dude! That bush outside the window’s on fire! But it ain’t burning up! And it’s talking to me!”

“Righteous! Let’s take some more shrooms bruh.”

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