The Horror In the Treetops

My dog Iggy Pup wants to write a book–that is, he wants to dictate it to me for publication. He just told me this. It’s to be called THE SQUIRREL THREAT TO AMERICA: A Study in Evil. I asked him for a sample. He thought about it and then cleared his throat and growled, “Squirrels. Harmless, bushy tailed pseudo-rodents? Those bushy tails are flicking, signalling to one another in a code known only to the squirrel. To what end, as it were? What could be the content of these messages? Secret messages, surely, are secret for a reason.

“Everything about the squirrel hints at the diabolic; its razor sharp incisors, which can deal a painful wound when the squirrel is cornered, its devilishly efficient claws which enable them to climb trees to escape safely away from justice; their cold, beady eyes suggestive of murderous purpose.

“The squirrel’s typical passage through tree, or over fence top, takes them past your window. They look in–and they see! Is this preparation for blackmail?

“Squirrels mock the faithful, heroic family dog–chattering at them sneeringly from just out of reach. They mock more than the dog–they mock America herself.”

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