When They Find my Body in 2000 years

What will researchers think if they examine my exhumed remains in say 2000 or so years? “This is a male who died in his early 80s…No gravestone remains so we have no clear date or name…This was before land-use laws forbade bodies in graves…We see the remains of books in the coffin with him, crumbled beyond reading…traces of a shoulder tattoo on scraps of mummified skin hint at a relationship to an ancient spiritual lodge…In the teeth we see evidence that the fillings were replaced with neutral material, indicating some anxiety, common at the time, about mercury in tooth fillings, and perhaps indicating a personality prone to thinking about mortality, risk, and toxins. We see he was married, by the wedding ring; the skull ring on his right hand might indicate a membership in the “cult of Keith Richards”; we find a titanium disk in his spine indicating surgery for spinal stenosis; this and the shape of the spine, and fingers with arthritic deposits in a pattern common to keyboard users, indicates much time spent in a chair at a desk. The eye repair implants, circa 2033 CE, are of a kind that suggests much exposure to a computer screen. He may have been a programmer but the presence of books included in the coffin suggests writer or critic, or possibly a devoted aficionado.

“Also in the coffin is a damaged CD, which may be a song mix. Its contents are so far unknown. His coffin is high grade steel suggesting both some disposable income, at least in his family, and another hint at strong concerns about mortality. The traces of food found in the intestines analyze as partly lab grown artificial meat, indicating he may have been a vegetarian, refusing to involve himself in animal slaughter, but not a vegan; we also find very low traces of pesticides suggesting he preferred sustainable produce, again an indication of a personality with a strong concern about toxicity…

“And that’s it for this subject…oh, I’m receiving a transmission, something previously undiscovered has been located in the coffin. It appears to be a note scratched into plastic. In the North American language of the time it says, ‘Go stand in the rain and get rusty you robot bastards, and send in a real archaeologist.’ It is also pointed out that the middle finger of his skeletal right hand is extended in a way that suggests a popular gesture of insult of his time…It’s remarkable, it must be said, that he realized that his own race would be extinct, replaced by artificial intelligences in nano-charged carapaces like you and I. I salute his foresight.”

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