The Truth About Dog Heaven

Dogs in the afterlife. I’ve been thinking about the various beliefs on the afterlife. They include an afterlife for pets. Google pets and “the rainbow bridge”. But what those people don’t know is what dog heaven is really like. It’s easy to reason it out. Domestic dogs expect food from cans and bags. Supermarkets in the afterlife are unlikely. In the dog afterlife they see cans and bags running around, on little legs, partly open, smelling heavily of delicious dog food. Many varieties. The cans in dog heaven are not metal, they’re made of the rotting skins of dead squirrels, or old tamale wrappers. Stuff like that. The dogs chase them, catch the cans and bags every time. The cans and bags squeal like rodents and then the dogs eat them. . .Dogs are pack animals so in dog heaven they often do all this “hunting” in packs, tearing into the running cans of dog food as a group, competing for pieces with great delight.

Dogs don’t need to pee or poop in the afterlife. But they do. Because they love to. . .

In dog heaven, all dogs see phantom dogs not from their territory and they all bark at them and they all seem to chase them away. . .

Every five or ten yards there’s a dead animal, rather badly decayed, to roll in. . .People are stationed sitting on the ground at intervals to let the dogs climb into their laps. There are people beds and sofas scattered around to nap on. . .

Sometimes the dog heaven people pretend they’re about to eat steaks and the like, off low tables, and the dogs run up and get the people food and run off with it. No one punishes the dogs for this…

There are low hanging shrubs with old tennis shoes for fruit. As for cats…you decide.

Comments are closed.