March, 2017


17
Mar 17

“What Completely Random Harm Can We Do Today?”

“What completely random harm can we do today, Mr President?”

“I don’t know. What do broke old people need?”

“Meals on Wheels?”

“Yeah! You got those old losers freeloading on the rest of us. Defund Meals on Wheels! Oh, and something else–there’s something about trying to get hunters to stop using lead bullets, because it poisons eagles or something.”

“Yes sir, the eagles die slowly and horribly from lead poisoning from eating game with lead bullets.”

“You remember when that eagle attacked me in the video? We gotta stop this ‘protect the eagles’ shit too. We need more lead, not less!”

“Any other harm you wish to do today?”

“I’ll think of something. We starving black kids yet?”

“We’re working on it, sir.”


16
Mar 17

Children Are Still Allowed to Play Outside?! Madness!

Watching some children playing silly fun games in a pasture behind their house today; big blowsy spring clouds, intermittent sun, mild temperatures, fir trees and horses looking on–what do those kids’ parents think they’re doing? Those kids had…no cellphones! They weren’t playing on little pre-school computer play-screens. You’ve gotta train kids to use cell phones otherwise they develop real social skills, they get sunshine and oxygenation and exercise, and they’re going to be trouble.

Get a clue, if you screen train them then you can sit around staring like a fucking zombie into your own fucking cell phone without the kids asking you for attention. They don’t care if they’re being spoken to or played with or taken somewhere out in the world, because you have the screen-based babysitter. Their brains will shrink to an appropriate size so they will lose the capacity for critical thinking, making them good citizens for the new America!


6
Mar 17

THE MESSAGE (I wish we were getting) FROM INTER-GALACTIC ALIENS

“…please understand that we really did not have to make this speech to your United Nations today. But we are certainly not without compassion. It’s only fair that you know why we have come to your planet, and, more urgently, why we have caused all your industry to stop, worldwide, today, your weapons to freeze up, and what our plans for you are. The crux of the matter is this: in the known universe there are surprisingly few planets where life can evolve to a *significant* degree, and where an extensive, multi-leveled biosphere is possible. When we find such a world, it must be protected and cultivated. On locating a world which is being hopelessly polluted, the oceans utterly ruined, animal species extinguished at a rate which is not normal–barring of course, a major asteroid collision event–we feel an obligation to interfere and return the planet to a healthy state for the use of rational creatures.

“This is why we’re going to be going to be quite painlessly putting about two thirds of the human race into a state of unconscious paralysis. The other third will be neurologically superseded and directed to remove those in a cataleptic state to open areas, where our thinking-capable-devices…I apologize if this translation is inadequate, our schedule is quite crowded…our “robots” will remove them to the waiting orbit-shunts. Once that is accomplished, neurologically-directed humanity will be …oh, I’m sorry, those of you who are shouting now, are hereby paralyzed…ah, that’s much quieter. As I was saying, neurologically-directed humanity will then take their own places on the orbit-shunts.

“The entirety of humanity will be transferred, through a synthetic wormhole, in eight groups to eight lifeless methane-atmospheric planets where no real harm can be done, and where humanity can be of use in chemical conversion programs. Comfortable pressurized suits will be made available. You will live underground in moderately pleasant quarters, and provided plenty of food and water. Virtual reality chambers will provide psychological relief. Your capacity to reproduce will come to an end, however you may engage in sexual acts in your spare time. You will be monitored by unseen but infinitely powerful nano-clouds. Weapons and violence of any sort will not be permitted.

“I must tell you, it would’ve been so much less taxing on our time and resources to simply exterminate humanity, but due to the fact that our drones report a minority of humans expressing some concern for the damage being done here, we were moved to a more…ironically, I’m told that the word is “humane”…a more humane solution…You have a few hours to come to terms with this…Meanwhile we’ll begin to disassemble your factories and vehicles and we’ll be cleansing your biosphere of major pollutants…apart from those which seep out, at a reasonable rate, from volcanic substructures. Also we…I do apologize, I am quite out of time…Our schedule is truly pressing…Enjoy your new lives…”