October, 2015


28
Oct 15

Nature Doesn’t Have Wi Fi, Bruh

Nature is, like, so lame. Nature doesn’t even have wi-fi. Nature doesn’t have a cell phone, or even a pad or laptop, bruh. Nature has pretty good graphics design, I guess. That’s what it has. Good graphics. But it has, like, no firewalls against shit like mosquitoes. And you can totally design better trees online. My friend has a tree app, he can design trees, to go with his digitalpet, and he can make the trees fly. Nature doesn’t make trees fly. Seeds don’t count, dude.

Nature doesn’t have Twitter, birds so totally don’t count; nature doesn’t have Instagram. If you’re in the Grand Canyon nature doesn’t Instagram you to Niagara Falls. Nature doesn’t have Snapchat. Does, like, a bear send chat with its poop or glands or something? I don’t want some gland-chat. Nature doesn’t pay you for clicks. Nature doesn’t have ‘order your food’ apps. No pizza delivery. You have to catch and kill the pizza. Check it out, rain-sound on youtube. You can’t turn that off in nature.


22
Oct 15

NEW TV RATING CODES!

There need to be new rating codes for some of today’s television.

THE BASTARD EXECUTIONER, rated MLV–for people who were at the My Lai massacre in the Vietnam war and nothing shocks or disgusts them after that.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: HOTEL, rated SBR for Spiked Butt Rape

BLACKLIST, rated ASJ for Always Shark Jumping

HANNIBAL, rated PP for Prefer Psychopaths

MINORITY REPORT, rated CSF for Confused SciFi

FEAR THE WALKING DEAD, rated TIF for TortureIsFine

ARROW, rated ASO for Actually Soap Opera

BLOOD & OIL, rated DC for Deep Cynicism

GOTHAM, rated PNB for Pencil Neck Batman

[PRETTY MUCH EVERY SITUATION COMEDY] rated SOG for Same Old Gags


20
Oct 15

THEY SAY BERNIE SANDERS WANTS THE IMPOSSIBLE. BUT–What if …

Bernie Sanders has plans for better safety nets, healthcare, and democratic-socialist regulations to level the playing field and modify the marketplace–and all those plans are being attacked, by Democrats as well as Republicans, as too expensive, or as just plain impossible to pull off. The claims of expense are exaggerated, but the *issue* of expense is fair in a general way. However, Sanders offers a solution:

Eliminate corporate tax loopholes, he says; reduce spending on the military, increase taxes on the top ten percent…and that’ll pay for all of it. And I think it really will cover the expense of a fairer society, if you go far enough in improving revenue with reform.

But — eliminating corporate welfare and increasing taxes on the top ten per cent “just can’t be done”, people say…because of Congress. He’d never get the necessary laws passed and he couldn’t do much of it by executive order.

And yet, he *could* get it passed…if in the coming elections for Senate and the House we get the vote out; if we persuade more Democrats and Independents to vote in every election. And if we register more people to vote…and then launch a massive campaign to get those newly registered people to *show up* to vote on those elections. Far more people tend to show up to vote for President than for their Senator or Congressperson. That lapse in voting needs to be eliminated. We have to value voting, in the Democratic party; independents, Greens–we all need to value voting again. Our attitude toward voting needs to change if Americans genuinely want a fairer society.


18
Oct 15

Curmudgeon Doggerel

The aches, the pains, the discomfort list
–enough to make an elder pissed.
In your 60s, crackling joints:
you start to wonder what’s the point.
And that is when you realize:
“old curmudgeon” is just your size;
You’ve earned the right to be a grump
you’ve just cause for that cane’s thump;
You comprehend the glint of eye
flashed from the man of sixtyfive;
You dig that look from the inside
as you buckle for the final ride.

The right to be a grouch is yours;
you yowl at cats and bark at curs;
you snatch their ball from on your lawn,
and toss it on their roofs at dawn;
you pass your gas in subway cars,
you glare at bearded hipster bars;
“Oops!”, you bump their iPhones down,
to sewer gratings–never found.
Call the cops on that loud party,
even when the band is arty;
you sneer at teen girl’s skirts at malls–
“When I was young they were twice as small!”
Aging’s a creep, but it’s worth it all
–to be free to mock millennials!

–John Shirley


15
Oct 15

When My Wife and I Have a Head Cold Together

We are sick,
my wife and I–
not in the mental sense:
We each have a cold,
possibly the flu;
virally immense.
Our noses swell
our lungs are clogged;
coughs instead of talks–
our eyes are red
our heads are hot:
a familiar sort of pox.
I bring her tea,
and fetch her meal,
coughing on the dish;
I bring her pills,
and ice cream too,
fulfill her febrile wish.
Both of us sneeze,
both of us gasp,
we lay abed and groan;
it’s just a cold,
a virus that
we have only on a loan.
She says, “It’s you,
who’ve brought it here;
you’ve given me the flu.
I point at you,
shout in your ears,
You’ve done this, John–
J’accuse!”


5
Oct 15

Who is WHOO?

You know what I really dislike? I’m watching the Colbert show or Bill Maher or pretty much anything else with a TV audience, and some guy in the audience gives out a piercing “WHOO!” in a quick high pitched way, an attempt to take part in what’s going on up on stage. You can see a flicker of irritation from the stage performer, but they don’t say anything. The guy is being “positive”, after all, he’s giving a “shout out”, he’s approving of what has been said, what has been referenced–how can you argue with that? Well, I can argue with it. It makes me grit my teeth and roll my eyes.

I think what bothers me most about it is knowing *Whoo! Guy* doesn’t really care about whatever he’s Whooing about. Whether it’s ostensibly a political support Whoo! or a “Hot damn, yeah, Meryl Streep is coming out next” Whoo! or a “Yeah, slam it to those phony celebs” Whoo! or whatever it is. In the latter case, especially, he’s being a hypocrite because he’s trying to play Tiny Little Moment of Celebrity *Whoo!* Guy. “Hear that? That was ME!” He’s like one of those guys who stop behind newscasters on the street and give a wink and a thumbs up. “Hey I was on TV today!”

It’s distracting and it’s annoying and he thinks it’s Making The Scene. Like Meryl Streep is going to think, “Oh thank you, Whoo! Guy, I’ll always remember you.”

You don’t notice them? Listen next time.


5
Oct 15

Why I stopped watching “FEAR THE WALKING DEAD”

Got into watching FEAR THE WALKING DEAD–and then my interest in the show came to a sudden, screeching stop. I watched the show for awhile because I thought it interestingly answered questions the original show, THE WALKING DEAD, had raised and hadn’t gotten into before….Then I stopped, after the episode previous to last night’s. Why? Because the spinoff did one thing I cannot forgive or support. It positively dramatized the FALSE notion that “torture works”. A man (a member of the US Military!) was tortured by a man from Central America who was, yes, damaged by the US supported death squads down there, from the old days, and who had been in a way imprinted with cruelty, which appears under stress– so yes in a way it’s all our fault that he tortured this guy. Up to that point, I had no objection–okay, he was made psychotic, under some circumstances, by the trauma of the brutality of an American-backed regime, and was now prone to using vicious tactics. Fine, that I can buy. But then *his torture works*. He gets exactly what he and the other characters need by torturing the soldier with a knife. He learns about Operation Cobalt. He finds out what it is. Which is info they needed.

So the *production* of Fear the Walking Dead, the writers and producers, are SAYING THAT TORTURE WORKS. So hey, go for it, right? Now if I asked them about this, they’d say, “Oh no we’re saying this man was traumatized and turned to torture and clearly torture is horrible.” No–you’re saying, horribly or not, torture works. You’re taking a hard-right, beyond “conservative” position: it’s okay to dig knives deeply into people, torture them, beat them, for information “because it works”; that is, the show at least makes it seem as if torture works. But torture DOES NOT work to provide GOOD information, as has been often proved and even if it DID work in real life you’d still be wrong to advocate it even in extreme fictional circs…The show is helping spread the myth that torture works. It’s spreading it to a big audience. And myths widely spread about torture can help justify it in the minds of interrogators, and politicians.

If torture didn’t work in the story, then I would have no objection to its being a part of the episode. If the tortured character had not given valuable info, and the torturer was baffled–and someone got the information in a legit way…much better. But not only did the torturer get the info by torturing, one of the heroes of the show, the blond mom, was fine with it. She went along with it. Not cheerfully but with no real hesitation.

So that’s TWO votes for torture including one from a main protagonist. The worst one, though, is the third one–the vote for torture from the writers of Fear the Walking Dead…


3
Oct 15

ATTACK OF THE CANNIBALISTIC BABIES: A modest Proposal for Restoring Ecological Balance

by John Shirley

They are actually healthy babies; they are even strangely healthy. They’re strong, too, unnaturally strong. They also have a strikingly unusual facial feature: they’re born with adult teeth, which are rather too large for their little mouths. Their otherwise perfect little faces must have seemed grotesque to people at the time.

Other than for this dental peculiarity, they are quite plump and squirming and gurgling in the hospital bassinets, and seem just like normal little babies–until they begin to climb out of their cribs. They should not be able to do it, but they do, they flip over on their bellies and climb out, seeking their prey. They move with remarkable rapidity, climbing table legs, leaping when they need to, almost like monkeys.

Their first prey is other babies. Hospital personnel are somewhat dismayed, seeing babies eating babies–it was quite unprecedented. A nurse mistakenly sets up the alarm that the babies are living-dead creatures, perhaps infant ghouls or zombies–but *they are not*. They are living babies. They have never been dead.

Having eaten the other non-cannibalistic babies, they attack one another; the strongest kill the weakest, and consume parts of them, usually arms and legs. After feeding, they pause to excrete, nap, and begin again, even as police and emergency personnel are moving in and setting up perimeters. Threatened by dangerous adults, the surviving babies instinctively put aside their competition and work as a group, swarming over the police, chewing out their throats. A few cannibalistic babies are, of course, killed in the general melee, but most survive to massacre hospital personnel…

And so it goes at thousands of hospitals around the world. After a time, the babies go into hiding and dormancy in walls, cupboards, pipes, but emerge from time to time to feed on adults.

Eventually, when the adult population is sufficiently reduced, the babies turn once more against each another. But when the population reaches a certain level of reduction, the babies instinctively stop their predation on one another. A few adults remain and find that if they act as servants to the babies they are not killed. Research soon reveals that the cannibalistic babies are mutations, an unexpected variety of humanity designed to survive during the ecological collapse in a polluted, overheated, overpopulated world. Once they reach adulthood, they sterilize or consume all who are not of their mutation.

And so, children, those are the historic facts, roughly describing the Glorious Mutation of a thousand years ago, which led to the present society. This very day, as the population has worked its way up to the forbidden number, we have received our orders. And what fun it’s going to be! This very afternoon we’re all going to attack the elementary school in the next district, if they don’t attack us first. In either case, we must try to eat them before they eat us! Happy Blood day, children!